Child Abuse Survivor

How often do you think about other people?

One of the lessons I learned a few years ago, was that it's actually quite rare for someone to really notice you, or think about you.

Now, that may sound like a pretty depressing thought, and to some extent, it is. On the other hand, it's also very freeing. It frees us from worrying about doing something embarrassing, for example. Aside from the most outrageous examples, most of the things we beat ourselves up about, and feel embarrassed about, go wholly unnoticed by the majority of people. They never give it a second thought.

It also frees us from unrealistic expectations. Knowing that outside of my wife, and a few other people, most people are not going to give my upcoming birthday a second thought, frees me to be able to appreciate the folks who do take the time to wish me a happy birthday, or do something nice for me. It comes as a nice little surprise more than anything else. I go into it expecting that no one needs to do anything, and get to feel grateful when someone does.

Lastly, it also makes it pretty easy to impress someone. Like I said, when I come to realize that it's highly unlikely that most people gave me a second thought, I'm very impressed by, and appreciative of, the thoughtfulness of someone who actually does. Remember, being thoughtful and being considered a good friend is all about being slightly better than other people. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to stand out among the crowd. If the crowd is full of people who rarely give others outside their immediate circle a second thought, it doesn't take much to stand out. A simple willingness to remember a birthday, help out with a problem PC, follow up on an idea you've discussed, or an inclusion in social plans can go a long way to showing yourself as a caring, thoughtful person. Of course, that assumes you're doing it to be thoughtful, and not in an insincere attempt to get something out of it for yourself. That won't get you far, but a small gestures of kindness, goes a long way in a world of self-centeredness.

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Check Ups

This past weekend I had to take my car to the shop. It had suddenly started making a funny noise, and so I took it in to have it looked at, and to just get it tuned up and make sure everything was working properly. The noise turned out to be some loose metal in the exhaust system, nothing major, nor expensive, and everything seems to be running pretty well aside from that.

The experience did, however, remind me that it's important to have things checked out occasionally, just to make sure there aren't any small problems, waiting to become big problems. Typically we hear that about ourselves in connection with getting a physical, or having some routine tests done to check for problems in our bodies, but we should also take time to do some self-checks of our mental state as well.

For me, that usually involves finding some quiet time, and reflecting. Not just on how I feel about life in general, but since I am known to have the ability to dissociate at the drop of a hat, to reflect on how I'm acting toward other people, and how they are responding to me.

Unfortunately, while being able to dissociate is a great way to focus exclusively on a specific task until it is done (ask my wife about how zoned in I can become trying to fix a technical problem..), it is a horrible way to go about keeping a check on your own emotional well-being. That's why it's important for me to have that time to stop, focus on just myself, my actions, and my emotions, and check up on how things are running. Sometimes a small problem, like noticing that my interactions with others are becoming a little more strained than normal, can be the thing that points me in the direction of a deeper emotional issue that I may not even be aware of yet before it becomes a big problem. 

That being said, it's high time for me to have some of that down time, and I intend to. After work on Friday, and before I get into what will be a very busy, but fun, Saturday, I'll take advantage of being home alone for the night, and spend some time reflecting on the last few weeks and looking forward to the next few weeks, just as a way to check up on myself.

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Dissociative Disorder - Adam Duritz

Psych Central today mentioned a Men's Health article written by Adam Duritz, of Counting Crows fame. It caught my eye because, in it, Adam talks about his struggles with dissociation, something that I have had problems with in the past, and something I don't tend to see written about very often, outside of the more obvious cases of multiple personality disorder. (Which is a form of dissociative disorder, but one on the far end of the spectrum that starts with simple things like highway hypnosis)

I was glad to see someone writing about something that was very similar to what I experienced, shutting down during difficult or stressful times:

This was not depression. This was not workaholism. I have a fairly severe mental illness that makes it hard to do my job -- in fact, makes me totally ill suited for my job. I have a form of dissociative disorder that makes the world seem like it's not real, as if things aren't taking place. It's hard to explain, but you feel untethered.

I agree, it is hard to explain. If you've never felt like this, I've always described it as the difference between something happening to you, and watching it happen on TV to someone else. When you have this disorder, you don't see any difference between those two things.

Thank you Adam, for having the courage to talk about it publicly!

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Slacker Blogger

Maybe that's what I should rename this blog? Obviously, I have been slack in posting anything more than book reviews sent to me by other people in the last couple of weeks.

I realized today when I was reading Marj's blog, that even if the midst of everything she's been dealing with, she's managed to post a couple of updates, so that people don't worry too much about her, and can keep track of how she's doing. It occurs to me, that by being silent, I might just be worrying some of you so here's a quick update.

Everything's fine!

No, seriously everything is fine. For the better part of last week I had a number of half-complete thoughts I wanted to blog about, but never really seemed to get any of them to turn into complete thoughts, so I didn't. For the last week or so, things have been so crazy, insanely, hectic at work that by the time I get home, I've got time to post some thoughts, but lack the motivation or mental energy to do much more than read other blogs and Twitter, watch TV or do some Wii Fit.

It's actually taken all my will to sit here and write this much without going off to look at something bright and shiny that doesn't require me to think.

So, never fear. It's not that I'm overwhelmed with life's difficulties that keeps me from blogging, it's simply a limit to the amount of mental focus I have during a given day, that is being used up at work more than usual! Eventually, things will get a bit less hectic.

At least that's what I've been telling myself. ;)

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Book Review: Altar Boy by Andrew Madden

(ed. Another review from our English friend, who adds: you can still read the intro on Amazon's British site, don't know if the American side has the same;
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Altar-Story-Homosexual-Catholic-church/dp/1844880397/ref=pd_ys_iyr3)

Though we’ve read and watched a lot of newspaper and documentary reports on the subject, I find it hard to relate to religiously organised, systematic child abuse as happened in the Catholic Church in either Ireland or elsewhere in the world, if that wasn't the specific circumstance of your abuse then it takes books like these to even give you an idea.

However that does not limit the book’s potential audience at all, giving a firsthand victim’s-eye view of what such abuse can do to a previously solid and unquestioning faith. What Altar Boy does show is that the indecent assault end of the abuse spectrum can become just as damaging as the more extreme kind as depicted in Cry Silent Tears by Jo Peters.

However, Madden didn’t let himself remain a victim, the book depicts his taking on the Church with the help of the media including The British Sunday Times newspaper but, once the legal action was done, we also read of the process by which he got back on with life afterwards, mistakes included.

He’s also upfront about the effects of abuse with regard to his own use of alcohol and trying his best to hold together his relationship(s). He explains his feelings as a child at the time with no self-pity and how his relationship(s) turn out is a grace of god issue, in that we couldn’t really judge what we would do under the same circumstances.

There is no fairytale ending, just pragmatism about getting on with life. The book is short and sweet (212 paperback pages) from this respect. Altar Boy is another abuse memoir where the kid on the cover is the author as a child, rather than a model and even though it’s five years old, it remains as relevant in the face of the change of Pope and the Church’s own efforts to be just a little more open on the issue (whatever you think of their efforts so far).

So it keeps selling, despite newer memoirs on the market, because it’s still relevant. Certainly give it a look in your library at the very least, because Penguin gave it the worldwide promotional treatment from launch

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Book Review: Cry Silent Tears

(ed. Our intrepid Brit book reviewer has been busy, sending me a couple of book reviews for the site this week. This is the first, I'll post the second within the next few days. As always, if you're interested in submitting a similar review, drop me a line.)

Andrew Crofts has helped another Brit male abuse survivor, Joe Peters, complete his first memoir, Cry Silent Tears. It’s taking nothing away from the power of Peters’ story that Crofts has turned Peters’ words into another book which can be speed-read in three hours, or taken section by section – I read its 300 hardback pages overnight and it’s as page-turning a read as Tears Before Bedtime.

Peters’ history starts with the background to his family which he believes points to much of his childhood thereafter. We read of the loss of his father as witnessed at five years old which would be a heavy trauma for any child, in fact he was struck dumb and eventually needed speech therapy to begin talking again. However, the bereavement marked the resumption of physical violence from his mother throughout his childhood and also the start of a catalogue of sexual abuse from his de facto stepfather, two siblings and a succession of other pedophiles, some known to the family and others, at the height of his abuse, in an organized child porn ring.

When told about a child condemned to living in a cellar for being perceived as different (or the runt), modern people of all ages will have only read about that as the start of a Harry Potter book or classic fairytale. For Joe Peters it was the very bleak, unrelenting, nightmarish, real thing. His only elder sibling at the time who wasn’t abusive, still let Joe down in other ways when he needed him most. Further losses and abandonment of early relationships happen through the transfer of schools and the 1980s UK social care system. Childline helped him though only in a roundabout way, the care did not continue consistently or with any insight into the needs of a teenage male abuse victim.

What you read about Peters’ mother and her treatment of the abuse as a business stays in the mind for a long time, even despite the fact that Joe Peters survived and thrived to forge a happy adult life. The book ends abruptly in adolescence, pointing the way to the second book which he is currently writing. Since it’s important to know the steps taken to recover, I’ll definitely purchase the follow-up when it arrives.

The website for the book outlines the work by and for survivors which he is currently in the process of setting up and that can be found at http://www.crysilenttears.co.uk

( OR http://www.freewebs.com/crysilenttears/ as a direct link if it doesn’t auto forward. The site links to a free sample of the introduction to the book on the publisher’s website.)

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Leaving Behind Beauty

Something in Douglas Welch's latest Career Opportunities column about Ugliness and Beauty struck a chord with me. In it Douglas urges his readers to consider their daily actions and whether they are creating beauty in them or ugliness.

Recently I have had reason to communicate with a few folks at work that I normally don't get to interact with very often. Back when I worked at the Help Desk, it was quite common to work with them, but in the year I've been working Litigation Support, the number of people I work closely with is much smaller. Many of the secretaries or non-litigation staff who I used to talk to regularly and enjoyed chatting with, I simply don't see very often.

After discussing this fact with a couple of them I came to two realizations. One, I needed to make an effort to get out of my office more. Not that I need to blow off work or go interrupt other people when they are working, but we work in an environment that is cordial and friendly, so it wouldn't hurt me to spend a few minutes simply walking up the stairs, and through a hallway or two instead of sending things in the interoffice mail. That would give me more possibilities to pass folks in the hallway, or walk past their desks and get the chance to say a quick hello.

The second realization is the one that really fits in with what Douglas was talking about. I don't have as many interactions with people as I used to, that makes it imperative that I leave behind something when I get the opportunity to. It's the difference between a friendly "hello, how are you?", with a friendly smile and just being lost in your own world and hurrying past everyone. I'm lost in my own thoughts too often. Heck, I'm lost in my own thoughts and in my own office too often!

I challenge you to think about the daily interactions you have with people, and how you can make them have more beauty.

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A week's worth of photos took me a week to post

Yes, it's true, I finally have worked my way through all the photos from last week's vacation and have them posted to Flickr. You can see the week on the Archives over there. Not only are there a bunch from DC but also from Old Town Alexandria, HarpersFerry, WV, and the Antietam and Gettysburg battlefields.

Next up are the handful of photos I took at Race for the Cure with my cell phone today. We'll see if any of them are worthy candidates. We had a good time doing the 5K and I want to say thanks to all my family and friends who helped me raise $225 towards what appears to have been a $2 million dollar day for the Komen foundation.

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Disenfranchised Grief

This afternoon, one of the folks I follow on Twitter regularly, Jennifer Leggio, wrote a blog post about the loss of her father. Even though she hadn't seen him in 30 years, his death was hard on her:

Because over the last year I've had one too many people say to me, "If you hadn't seen him, how can you miss him?" The loss, with it being a loss of hope, is intangible. It's what they call "ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief." It's the kind of grief that one experiences when the situation is not cut and dry and perhaps others cannot understand the loss. But it is real.

Interestingly, as soon as I read it, I did understand exactly what she was talking about, but I have to admit that hasn't always been true. I've heard many survivors of childhood abuse, including myself, dismiss the pain of not having a "normal" childhood by suggesting we didn't know what we were missing, so it's ok.

It's not ok. While certainly on one level there is some truth to the statement, I can't miss a happy childhood the way we typically understand missing something, because I never had it to have it taken away, there is a healthy grief and maybe even a bit of mourning that should take place in our lives. I can't "miss" the happy childhood that I have no experience of, but can certainly grieve for it. I can grieve for strong family relationships that I never had, the love and protection that was missing from my childhood. In fact, I grieve those things more and more as I grow older, and understand what I missed out on a deeper level.

So, Jennifer, you go right ahead and grieve for your father, even if you never really knew him. You may not miss him in the traditional sense, but his death marks the end of any chance that you would some day, and that is worthy of your grief.

Fellow survivors, the same is true of our childhoods, and our relationships. We may not know what we're missing, but we can certainly mourn that fact by itself.

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Plenty of Practice for Race for the Cure

Back from our vacation. We had a good time in Washington, DC, Harpers Ferry, Antietam and Gettysburg. I'm still working on getting all the photos processed an online, but there are a few over on Flickr for now.

We definitely did quite a bit of walking. I should be in good shape for Saturday's Race for the Cure 5k walk. Remember, if you want to make a donation to support the cause, and my efforts, you can do that easily online. All donations are greatly appreciated!

Just 6 more days!

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