Child Abuse Survivor

I spotted this article about Tom Arnold revealing the sexual abuse he suffered as a child and since the article is on a site for Mom’s there was also some good advice for what to do if you husband admits to having been abused as a child.

• Don’t blame the victim - One common question people ask is “Why didn’t you tell someone or break away?” But that’s applying the adult model to a kid’s brain, which just isn’t fair. Molesters are master manipulators and know how to keep kids quiet. My abuser told me that for $300, he could have me killed and no one would ever find out. He also used a cattle prod on me from time to time.

• Try to ease his fears - Men who finally admit their abuse are worried they’re going to be branded as gay or as weak. Just because he was abused by a man does not mean he is a homosexual.

• Remember that this doesn’t mean he’ll be an abuser, too - 98% of men who were molested never abuse anyone else. But men who were sexually abused are often terrified they will be branded as a molester, or that their kids might be taken away.

• Don’t be offended he hid this from you - Most men who were abused never tell. It’s a secret they live with their whole lives. I speak around the country about my experiences so that other men can come out of the closet and admit they were abused, and go on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

• Encourage him to get therapy - The right therapist can help him explore those hidden, painful feelings and make him realize none of this was his fault, and he is in no way to blame.

Given recent topics of conversation here, I thought it’d be a good idea to quote some of it and point you to the whole article, which also has signs a mom should look for in their kids if they re being abused.

While we’re on the topic, just wanted to emphasize that the offer to create a mail list for survivor’s significant others is still open, if you know anyone who might be interested, have them let me know, or feel free to share the offer with others on your own blogs. If there’s an interest, I’d be more than happy to enable communication, and a place for support, to that group of people.

Technorati Tags: MaleSurvivors, Spouses

I just finished upgrading both of the blogs on the site to the latest version of Wordpress. As always, while things look ok to me right now, if you find anything that’s broken, let me know!

If you’ve been following the comments on this older post about support for spouses this weekend, you know that “Nikki” asked for some advice in being involved with an abuse survivor, and in response to my suggestion to find a professional to talk to herself, she asked that I keep her in the loop if others come to the site looking to talk to other significant others. Since, obviously, I’m a survivor, and not really dealing with issues from the same viewpoint as she would, I’m of limited use there. However, I know some of you are in similar situations, or know people who are. If you’re also looking for others to talk to about these issues, let me know and I’ll see if I can get you in touch with each other.

If there’s enough interest, I’d also be willing to moderate and host (though obviously not take a large, active, role) an email list for folks to talk about these issues. It’s easy enough to set that up on this domain, and I can “lock” it down to some extent to keep people as safe as possible from spam or just rudeness. If there’s interest, or if you know of another resource that is already has an active community of significant others, please share!

Technorati Tags: SignificantOthers

I caught a bit of this documentray this afternoon on our local PBS station. Not enough to write a review on the News and Reviews site, but enough to have picked up a couple of interesting tidbits.

One was a discussion with a doctor about how each case of depression is different, and has to be treated differently. He talked about how the task of finding the correct treatment, at least in terms of anti-depressants, is a bit of trial and error. There was one teen girl who went through 7 different medications before finding the one that helped her.

The other was someone from the National Institute for Mental Health, I think, who mentioned that compared to other diseases, depression takes a long time to see results. She said we feel good about something that begins to show some promise in healing the pain and anguish of depression in 6 weeks, whereas other painful ailments can be eased within minutes.

Both of these comments struck me because I’ve talked to many people who have tried to get help and gave up. Either they didn’t like the first therapist, or the first drug they tried didn’t work very well, or it had side effects, etc. Remember though, all treatment for depression is hit and miss. What worked for the last patient may not work for you, whether it was a certain drug, a certain therapist, electro-shock, etc. This isn’t a cold, you don’t just grab the over the counter cold remedy and get better a day or two later. Depression is a very complicated disease of a very complicated organ, and there are many, many different types of depression. Finding the right “thing” that will help you takes time, takes effort and takes constant, close monitoring. You have to be willing to do that, but the results of that work make it all worthwhile, there’s no debate about that!

If you’re interested in viewing the show, you can on-line, and if you beat me to watching the whole thing and want to post a review, let me know!

Technorati Tags: Depression

Going to the doctor. I hate it. I’ll do just about anything to avoid it. Especially if I’m going to have tests done. Tests that might tell me that there’s somthing wrong, etc.

So a few weeks agao, after having pain in my knee for a couple of weeks, I went to find out why. Turned out to be a small case of tendonitis. No big deal. But while I was there we talked about the fact that I turned 40 over the Summer, and that it was time to think about having tests for diabetes, cholesterol, etc.

Monday was the return visit to draw blood. I really don’t enjoy that. *L*

In the mean time, I waited for the results. I wasn’t really nervous, but as any survivor will tell you, waiting for results with no ability to do anything about it, sucks. It’s not one of our strong suits. Neither is convincing yourself to not worry. I worried a little bit, and the longer I waited, the more I worried. This is why I don’t go to doctors. Part of me would rather just not know.

As it turns out, the tests came back fine, and there’s nothing to worry about. The doctor wants me to lose some weight, which is no real surprise, and with my wife’s help, that’s the goal for now. I’ll get more details on the exact results in the mail soon.

So, I guess I worried about nothing, but I bet the next time, I still worry just as much. It’s my nature.

Technorati Tags: doctors, Health

One of the things I’ve long considered is finding a way to provide space for folks who want to tell their story of being a survivor, but who don’t want to go to all the trouble of creating their own site, or keeping up with a blog. It was right up there in my thoughts with creating a separate blog to keep the various reviews and recommendations, which I recently did.

The question is, how much of an interest is there in doing this sort of thing? Are you, or are people you know, interesting in contributing in this way, by sharing your story, or part of your story, on a one time basis?

Let me know if you think it has some merit and how you’d like to see it develop, and I’ll get to work on it. Also, if you’re interested in posting book reviews, or sharing other helpful resources on that Survivor News and Reviews blog, let me know and I’ll get you hooked up to post there!

After all the stress and random other things we’ve been dealing with over the last few weeks, it was really nice to spend a few days exploring Orlando with my wife, meeting up with some internet friends that we’ve known for years now, and just generally not worrying about all the things we tend to worry about during the course of normal days.

Of course, coming back meant catching up on all the things that were waiting for us at work and around the house, but it was worth it. Sometimes you just have to break out of the normal day to day and do something different. Even if you can’t spend a few days, or a week, traveling, there are plenty of ways to do something different and explore the world around us. It tends to help us keep a healthy perspective when we can get outside of our every day lives and see the larger world that exists outside of that. It helps us connect with other people, as we were able to do down in Orlando, and that is also a healthy thing to do.

So, find something different to enjoy soon. It’s for your own mental health.

Technorati Tags: Photography, Vacation

Earlier this week I headed to my doctor’s office, slight case of tendonitis in my knee, and had a lengthy discussion about what health screenings and tests we would need to run now that I’ve turned 40. I go back for those in a few weeks, but of course, much of the discussion was about the need to lose some weight. I have a family history of heart disease and diabetes. Being overweight increases the already high risk for those things that I have.

I’m definitely feeling a need to change my balance a bit, to pay a bit more attention to my health, my diet, and other habits. Obviously, that doesn’t mean I should stop paying attention to all the other things around me, but sometimes, you have to do what you have to do for yourself. This is a great example.

I have to do a better job of taking care of myself physically. I’m hopeful that won’t intefere with the other areas of my life, but it will be a challenge. I’m not really used to paying that much attention to that aea of my life, but it’s time to do that.

Technorati Tags: Health

A friend of mine, Kevin Donohue, posted something rather personal over the weekend that I thought was very interesting. Kevin talked about what life has been like since his heart attack, and while it’s been necessary, it’s not a great way to life long term.

Since that day in April, I’ve been spending an awful lot of time listening to my own body and my own emotions. To continue the bad metaphors… I’ve been living alone in a cave, with every anxiety magnified by echoes like drips of water. I’ve been so fixated on myself, that I stopped paying attention to anyone else.

I found it an interesting parallel to what I was recently talking about in terms of reaching a point where you spend less time looking at the past, and more looking toward the future. Anyone who has started the on the path to healing from child abuse knows that, at first, there’s a whole lot of looking inward. That’s necessary, and good for the long term. Eventually, however, you do have to find a certain happy medium. Like Kevin’s physical health, you have to pay some attention to what is going on inside ourselves. We have to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us, what our emotions are telling us, etc. That is a big part of taking care of ourselves, something we all need to do.

On the other hand, it’s really easy to stop there and never get past that. Kevin sees that now, how being completely focused on your self goes a bit beyond taking care of yourself. It can be quite the hindrance to existing relationships, let alone helping grow new ones.

The key is balance. You guys know I would never advise not taking care of ourselves, and paying attention to the things we need to pay attention to. We absolutely should, but not to the detriment of the people around us. Having healthy, good, relationships is an important part of being healthy too, we should be paying plenty of attention there too!

Good luck Kevin, with finding your balance!

Technorati Tags: Balance

I received an email today asking about resources, or groups for the spouses of abuse survivors. I agree that dealing with a past that includes child abuse can be very difficult, not just on the survivor, but also on the significant others of survivors, as well as many other close friends and family. It certainly seems like there should be some good support resources for those folks, but I have to admit that I haven’t really kept up with what is available for these folks.

So what do you guys recommend? Do you recommend a spouse seeking some professional help of their own, or support group, and online email list, etc.? Do you know of any good resources that this person should check out, to get their own support while they try and support their spouse through their healing?

Let me know if you know of any. If not, perhaps we can look at starting something ourselves?

Technorati Tags: Spouses, Survivors