Child Abuse Survivor

Tonight when I went to see my massage therapist, as usual, she asked me how my body felt and what sort of tension I was feeling. I responded that I really felt pretty good. I’d been so busy with work that I haven’t had time to wear myself out with any sort of physical activity, so either everything was mellow, or the stress from work had affected me so much that I just got used to it and didn’t even notice it.

It didn’t take much of her poking and proding to realize that it was the latter. I was ridiculously tight in the shoulders, neck, and all the way through the ribs. That’s bad, and worse, I didn’t realize it. I know it’s not good to be that tight, and I know how much better I feel when I’m not, yet I still just got used to it the way it was and didn’t think there was even a problem.

Sounds like a metaphor for life, eh? If not life in general, certainly the life of a survivor. Sometimes we are so familiar with the pain and other affects from our past that we don’t even realize how much better life could be with some small changes. We simply get used to what we have and convince ourselves that there’s nothing really wrong.

Something to keep in mind. I know I’ll think about tonight the next time I assume my body isn’t feeling any stress during what should be a stressful time!

I’ve got to think that all of us, survivors or not, have learned from this week’s events that you don’t know how long your life is going to be, you should cherish each day you have, and never take any for granted. Above all, I would think that it shows how important it is to take advantage of today, for tomorrow is not promised.

If you’re a survivor who is unsure about finding healing, and peace, or has been putting off making changes in your life that will bring about happiness for yourself, what are you waiting for? You may not have too many “somedays” to wait for. Why not take advantage of today? Start taking care of yourself today, there’s simply no reason to wait. Life is hard, and it’s full of pain for everyone. It’s also too short to spend more time than is necessary with pain that you can do something about. Start today. That’s one day further into your healing journey than yesterday, and the nxt one will be another day in. If not, tomorrow will be just another day wasted.

It’s up over at Picture of Experence today, in time for the Father’s Day weekend. When I first saw that she was planning tthis edition in connection with Father’s Day, I had planned on writing up something here, but as the deadline approached, I realized that I just didn’t have anything. Father’s Day really means little to me, and maybe that should be a blog post in itself, but even then, there’s no big drama attached to it, I just don’t really think anything about the day.

So, between that, and the lack of time I’ve had to write much here, I don’t have anything included in this edition. Hopefully next month. We’ll see how much time I spend writing on the laptop, it’s tough to do when the early summer weather is here. I can tell from the lack of activity on the Survivor Network that I’m not the only one finding myself occupied with other things lately.

Anyway, go check out the blog carnival, and let those folks know they do a great job!

It was brought to my attention this afternoon that all of the posts on this blog seemed to have been taken down. I assure you, I did not remove them. A corrupted plugin managed to temporarily do that for me. All seems to be well in the world for now, aside from finding a way to get that plugin to work again.

Hopefully, I’ll have it fixed sometime soon, but the site should be operational for now!

Thanks!

Got this email today and wanted to pass it along, if you’re interested go ahead and contact Christina at ctorres at healthyplace.com:

My name is Christina and I?m a producer with the HealthyPlace TV Show, an online mental
health tv show that airs live over the HealthyPlace.com website.

http://www.healthyplace.com/mental-health-tv-show/

Our next Tuesday night show (June 16) is on adult survivors of sexual child abuse and its
impact later in life.  I?m writing to ask if you would consider providing any contact
information for potential guests for the show. As you know, sharing your personal story
so that others may learn from it helps others know they are not alone in their own
experiences.

The show airs at 7:30p central, 8:30 eastern.  All that is required is a webcam attached
to a computer.  The interview would run about 15-20 minutes.

Please send me any contact information along with a good day / time for me to call and
I’ll be touch.

Thank you,

Christina Torres
Producer, HealthyPlace TV Show
HealthyPlace.com - America ’s Mental Health Channel
“When you’re at HealthyPlace.com, you’re never alone.”

Getting in my last minute submission for this month’s Carnival Against Child Abuse, on the subject of memorials.

Memory is a weird subject for abuse survivors. Some of us struggle to even remember the details of what happened, while others remain obsessed and haunted by every little detail. The one thing that all of us have in common though, is that we survived all the things that happened, and that they are, in fact, only a memory.

That doesn’t mean that the events don’t still impact us, and that we don’t need to do a lot of work to learn how to cope with those memories. Rather, as time goes on, the memories simply become part of who we are. This is an area of much stress among survivors. All too often I see many trying to overcome the memories and go back to being the person they are without the abuse, or the person they were before the abuse. I don’t think that’s a realistic goal. Our memories are our memories, and they are part of who were are today. That goes for good and bad memories. We all can agree that memories of happy moments, days spent at a beach, lake or other vacation spot, time spent with loved ones, etc. become part of us and are carried into our lives going forward. The same goes for the bad memories. They become areas of growth, lessons learned, warnings about how to keep ourselve safe, etc.

As survivors of abuse, those memories become part of who we are just the same way. They may appear to be a burden, and may even be something we long to remove from our current lives, but they are what they are. It’s the memories of our past that drive us to be protective of children, that help us be empathetic to fellow survivors, etc. I couldn’t run this site, or the Survivors Network if it wasn’t for those memories. It’s those memories that drive me to continue to talk about being a survivor, and to help other survivors by reaching out online and letting them know that they aren’t alone in their struggles with healing. They drive me to continue my own healing, and to continue to improve myself. They are the pain that has sharpened me into the person I am today. The work and struggle that was put into my healing journey is not something to be forgotten, but something that shows me how strong I can be, indeed how strong I always have been. They are there to let me know, in the midst of trying circumstances, just how much I have overcome already, much worse than anything thrown at me in day to day life.

Indeed, the memories are painful and ful of sorrow, and I don’t wish what happened to me on anyone. But I don’t want to simply wish them away. They are me, and I am a survivor. I don’t want to forget that.

Over at the Survivor Network, folks are finally starting to get the hang of the Groups feature. We’ve had a couple of new ones added, the first for those of the Christian Faith to talk about how their faith plays a role in their healing, and the second a place to discuss the portrayal of survivors in TV and movies.

We’re also up to 246 members, with a lot of the new folks getting involved and starting a bunch of new discussions. Makes me glad to see them feeling comfortable and part of the community. If you haven’t joined and checked it out yet, what are you waiting for?

I know a few of you wrote me, or left comments about the stuff I couldn’t talk about yet, hoping it wasn’t anything bad, and well, it really isn’t. Since it involved work I wrote it out in more detail over on the other blog last week, and wanted to point you there to read about it, if you’re interested.

Needless to say, with all the changes going on at work, and finding myself trying to adapt quickly to a new role, my mental focus has been spent there much of the time. What little mental energy I could muster into the survivor community has been spent over on the Survivor Network, and naturally, things here have been a little slower than normal. Yeah, I’m looking at the dates on the latest posts and seeing the same thing you’re seeing.

Anyway, even though I’m not coming up with many original thoughts worthy of a blog post around here, I’m still here, and still plugging away. As time goes on and maybe I start to figure out everything I need to figure out, I’ll have a bit more mental energy to write some things out. In the mean time, please sign up at the network and join in the conversations over there!

In case you haven’t been over there lately, here’s some of what you’ve been missing! The links will take you directly to the site, but you have to be a member to read them. I’m toying with trying to find ways to post this occasionally, or even add it to an email list of members over there, so consider this part of testing! ::

Some of the Latest Blog Posts:

Finding Forgiveness
Hi to everyone
Bad Week

Some of the Latest Discussions

Tell me!!
THOUGHTS AND VERBALIZING SUICIDE
If I talk too much on here, feel free to tell me to shut up! :o)
Reminder Emails?
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mommy’s…

Technorati Tags: SocialNetwork

Well, if nothing else, this past week proved that yes, there is still definitely a limit to the amount of emotional energy I can muster up, and when I hit that limit, while I’m healthy enough to know how t not dissociate anymore, I still want to do some of the same behaviors.

This week was very stressful, on top of getting ready for my wife to be half way ’round the world, my mom was in the hospital, work was crazy busy, and there were a few other surprises that I can’t really talk about online yet. Add it all up, and by the weekend, I really just wanted to ignore all of it.

I had just reached the point where I just had no more emotions to give. Mind you, there wasn’t anything major, it was stressful, and my mom’s getting better, and things caught me by surprise, causing kind of a rollercoaster of emotions. It wasn’t depression or anything like that, and it won’t be anything that causes major problems for me, I have just sort of hit my limit!

The scary part is just how much I wanted to do anything but think about any of it. It really was quite reminiscent of dissociating, only I know better than to go down that road, so I had to find ways to spend my time doing other things, only without the benefit of hanging around the house with my wife, which is what I’d normally do when I’m stressed. These old defense mechanisms don’t die easy, do they?

Hopefully, all the alone, quiet, time will get me through this week. Promises to be another crazy week at work, and a week on my own at home. So long as we can keep the extra surprises from popping up this week too, I think I’ll be alright!