Child Abuse Survivor

One of the recurring themes I noticed in the holiday edition of the Blog Carnival was in the area of how to deal with the holidays as a survivor. More than one post talked specifically about making new traditions. It’s very easy to regret the Christmas traditions that we either didn’t have, or were not very good traditions, as children. It’s very easy to look upon the holidays with disgust, as other families have their traditions and celebrations, as we continue to sruggle with the issues surrounding our own childhoods. It can be a terribly difficult time for survivors, there’s no doubt about that.

On the other hand, each holiday season is another opportunity to start, or continue, or own traditions. They don’t have to be Norman Rockwell type traditions, nor do they need to be anything big. It can be as simple as spending the day doing good things for yourself, or spending a quiet day with someone who is helping support you, or someone you love. Whatever it is, make this holiday season about doing something for you, not about regretting the things you don’t have.

You’ve lost enough holiday “joy” to the abuse, let this year be the year you start to find your own, small, joys.

Update, of course, right on cue, Pysch Central’s 9 Tips for Busting Holiday Depression also includes a tipe about making your own traditions, taking control over how you celebrate the holidays…

Technorati Tags: Holidays

As an example of some of the information being shared over on the Abuse Survivor and Supporter’s network, I learned about this post about the double language of pedophiles.

I can’t say I had given this much thought before tonight, but it certainly is something that more attention should be paid to. Children may be tryng to tell you what’s happening to them, but only know the words the person victimizing them has taught them. If you know of cases of this happening, go over and leave a comment on the post or join the conversation on the social network. Add to the conversation.

Technorati Tags: language

It’s the Thanksgiving holiday here in the US. My day was pretty full, volunteering and serving food early in the day, and then having dinner with my family later. It was a long day, all that time being social and around people has me pretty tired, but I wanted to post a quick thought about being thankful.

Sometimes for survivors, finding something to be thankful for at this time of year is a struggle. Many times we’re simply trying to survive family time without too much stress, or struggling with depression more than usual. I know, I’ve spent many years viewing Thanksgiving messages of gratefulness with my own particular brand of cynicism.

That’s not so much the case now, but it was for a very long time. It takes time, and there’s nothing that can change that. On the other hand, if you can’t find anything else to be thankful for today, be thankful that you are alive, and that you have time, and the hope, that in the years to come, you will continue healing, continue growing, and build a life that includes plenty to be thankfu for.

I am thankful that each of you reading this has the chance to live, and become the person you want to be, healthy, and happy. Continue to work, and have hope.

Technorati Tags: Hope, Thankfulness

I spotted this article about Tom Arnold revealing the sexual abuse he suffered as a child and since the article is on a site for Mom’s there was also some good advice for what to do if you husband admits to having been abused as a child.

• Don’t blame the victim - One common question people ask is “Why didn’t you tell someone or break away?” But that’s applying the adult model to a kid’s brain, which just isn’t fair. Molesters are master manipulators and know how to keep kids quiet. My abuser told me that for $300, he could have me killed and no one would ever find out. He also used a cattle prod on me from time to time.

• Try to ease his fears - Men who finally admit their abuse are worried they’re going to be branded as gay or as weak. Just because he was abused by a man does not mean he is a homosexual.

• Remember that this doesn’t mean he’ll be an abuser, too - 98% of men who were molested never abuse anyone else. But men who were sexually abused are often terrified they will be branded as a molester, or that their kids might be taken away.

• Don’t be offended he hid this from you - Most men who were abused never tell. It’s a secret they live with their whole lives. I speak around the country about my experiences so that other men can come out of the closet and admit they were abused, and go on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

• Encourage him to get therapy - The right therapist can help him explore those hidden, painful feelings and make him realize none of this was his fault, and he is in no way to blame.

Given recent topics of conversation here, I thought it’d be a good idea to quote some of it and point you to the whole article, which also has signs a mom should look for in their kids if they re being abused.

While we’re on the topic, just wanted to emphasize that the offer to create a mail list for survivor’s significant others is still open, if you know anyone who might be interested, have them let me know, or feel free to share the offer with others on your own blogs. If there’s an interest, I’d be more than happy to enable communication, and a place for support, to that group of people.

Technorati Tags: MaleSurvivors, Spouses

If you’ve been following the comments on this older post about support for spouses this weekend, you know that “Nikki” asked for some advice in being involved with an abuse survivor, and in response to my suggestion to find a professional to talk to herself, she asked that I keep her in the loop if others come to the site looking to talk to other significant others. Since, obviously, I’m a survivor, and not really dealing with issues from the same viewpoint as she would, I’m of limited use there. However, I know some of you are in similar situations, or know people who are. If you’re also looking for others to talk to about these issues, let me know and I’ll see if I can get you in touch with each other.

If there’s enough interest, I’d also be willing to moderate and host (though obviously not take a large, active, role) an email list for folks to talk about these issues. It’s easy enough to set that up on this domain, and I can “lock” it down to some extent to keep people as safe as possible from spam or just rudeness. If there’s interest, or if you know of another resource that is already has an active community of significant others, please share!

Technorati Tags: SignificantOthers

A friend of mine, Kevin Donohue, posted something rather personal over the weekend that I thought was very interesting. Kevin talked about what life has been like since his heart attack, and while it’s been necessary, it’s not a great way to life long term.

Since that day in April, I’ve been spending an awful lot of time listening to my own body and my own emotions. To continue the bad metaphors… I’ve been living alone in a cave, with every anxiety magnified by echoes like drips of water. I’ve been so fixated on myself, that I stopped paying attention to anyone else.

I found it an interesting parallel to what I was recently talking about in terms of reaching a point where you spend less time looking at the past, and more looking toward the future. Anyone who has started the on the path to healing from child abuse knows that, at first, there’s a whole lot of looking inward. That’s necessary, and good for the long term. Eventually, however, you do have to find a certain happy medium. Like Kevin’s physical health, you have to pay some attention to what is going on inside ourselves. We have to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us, what our emotions are telling us, etc. That is a big part of taking care of ourselves, something we all need to do.

On the other hand, it’s really easy to stop there and never get past that. Kevin sees that now, how being completely focused on your self goes a bit beyond taking care of yourself. It can be quite the hindrance to existing relationships, let alone helping grow new ones.

The key is balance. You guys know I would never advise not taking care of ourselves, and paying attention to the things we need to pay attention to. We absolutely should, but not to the detriment of the people around us. Having healthy, good, relationships is an important part of being healthy too, we should be paying plenty of attention there too!

Good luck Kevin, with finding your balance!

Technorati Tags: Balance

I received an email today asking about resources, or groups for the spouses of abuse survivors. I agree that dealing with a past that includes child abuse can be very difficult, not just on the survivor, but also on the significant others of survivors, as well as many other close friends and family. It certainly seems like there should be some good support resources for those folks, but I have to admit that I haven’t really kept up with what is available for these folks.

So what do you guys recommend? Do you recommend a spouse seeking some professional help of their own, or support group, and online email list, etc.? Do you know of any good resources that this person should check out, to get their own support while they try and support their spouse through their healing?

Let me know if you know of any. If not, perhaps we can look at starting something ourselves?

Technorati Tags: Spouses, Survivors

I got an email from the author of the What About when Mom is the Abuser blog today, and thought I’d pass along the information for anyone who might want to help contribute to this section of the book:

I am in the process of co-authoring a book about male victims of female psychopaths (which goes along with my blog What about when Mom is the abuser) and we are considering adding a section for female victims of female psychopaths/narcissists.  My request to you is this - if we do would you be willing to help me spread the word to people that might be interested in taking part in the survey/interview/research part?

Obviously anyone who takes part should not use any identifying things like their real names, town names, etc.  Also anonymous e-mail accounts are always a wise choice for people to send their summaries from.  One website that is taking part suggested that or people could send it to the site and they would cut and paste it into a different email that the site would then send on to.

We are looking for anyone who is willing to write up a summary of how they met the person and their experiences with them.  Obviously children who have parents like that would just detail their experience.

If you have any questions please ask.  http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/

If you are interested, and want to send your summary to me to pass along anonymously, feel free to drop me a line. Or go ahead and contact him directly from the blog.

Update: Got a follow up email, apparently they’ve gotten a wealth of response to this from other sources, and they wont be needing any more, so um, nevermind I guess.

Still, if the subject interests you, check out the blog.

Technorati Tags: FemaleAbusers

I was going to leave a comment on Tamara’s post, Who Am I without the Abuse?, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to turn it into a post, and not take over her comments with my own thoughts.

This is a subject that was weird for me. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but I’m not really in the mood to try and find the post, so you’ll just have to trust me on that.

Whenever someone talks to me about becoming the person I was before the abuse, I have no concept of what they are talking about. I don’t have any real memories of my life “before”, so how do I know if I’m the same person I was before? I tend to think I’m not. Being abused is part of who I am, and while I’ve certainly come a long way in healing over the many years, I don’t foresee ever reaching a point where it’s not part of me.

I had a somewhat related email discussion last week about making the adjustment from looking at our past, and trying to overcome the past, to looking at the present and then eventually, planning for the future. It’s not an easy adjustment to make. There’s a certain comfort in our pasts, it’s what we know, and what we’ve always known. We cling to the same self-defense mechanisms that helped us survive our childhoods, assuming they will keep us safe as adults. They don’t, in fact more times than not, they hurt us as adults but it’s scary to think about setting those aside and making another life without them. That is exactly what it takes to overcome abuse. It takes an ability, and a willingness to acknowledge what has happened, how it has affected you,  what you need to do to limit those effects, and still be able to go forward, building whatever life it is that you want to build.

In short, who are you without the abuse? No one knows for sure, because it’s up to you to become who you want to be. The abuse will always be part of you, it’s shaped who you are and as much as we can heal and overcome that, we can never completely rid ourselves of it’s influence. On the other hand, once you are ready, and able, to set aside all that work and turn your focus from the past in to the future, you are free to make the life you choose for yourself.

I can’t wait to see what we all become.

Technorati Tags: Abuse, Identity

Every once in awhile, someone will tell me how brave I must be to talk openly about being a survivor in a public forum like this one. While I certainly don’t disagree with that, (I’m not being immodest, it does take some courage to do this and I’m impressed with all survivors who blog openly about their experiences.) I don’t think that survivors who I’ve talked to in real life give themselves enough credit.

It may seem like an oxymoron, but this is actually comparatively easy. I write, you all read. I’m not there when you read it, I don’t see the reaction to it on your face, and if it bothers you that I talk about this, you click away and just don’t come back. To me, I send this information out, and whoever wants to respond, is welcome to, but there’s no expectation of a response.

Telling someone in person, for me, is much harder. Their reaction is immediate, it’s right in front of you, and you get to see all of it, good or bad.

That’s why the fellow survivors that I’ve met in real life, who take the time to tell me that they’ve stumbled onto the site, and it resonated with them as a survivor, have my utmost respect. They certainly didn’t have to disclose to me, and I’m frankly honored that they were willing to. I realize that, in many cases, I may be one of the very few people who they’ve shared this information with, and just the simple act of telling someone who they think will understand is very important to them. In fact, many of the people who have disclosed to me, never talked to me about it after that, and that’s ok. If telling someone helps, I’m glad to have been the person they felt comfortable telling, but I also understand that brings a responsibility with it that I don’t take lightly at all.

First and foremost, of course, is the responsibility to keep their confidence. In most cases they’ve only told a few people in the whole world, it’s not my job to tell the rest for them. No my job is to react, be supportive and open to talking to them any time they need, and never mentioning it to anyone again. It’s not a very difficult job, but it is incredibly important. I’ve been entrusted with something very personal, and private, to people. It’s not to be trifled with.